Is it just me or does nostalgia hit you harder the next time around?
It started with this song by Jason Mraz, “Clockwatching.”
It played on Teddy’s iPod while we were at our daydream zone. It is one of the spots we visit when we feel like detaching – a secluded parking area that is not even paved yet and is rich in flora. While I listened, a very familiar feeling came over me. Something I have not felt for God knows how long. Four years worth of thoughts bitchslapped my heart. My best friend, Joey, and I would send each other nice songs and this was one of those songs which we both liked. This was back in 2007 and the same year he passed. Needless to say so very much has happened since that time. It was around this time four years ago when it was one of my favorite songs.
During the time when I was trying to get over such a sudden passing, I decided to remove the song from my playlist – it’s a beautiful song and while some people appreciate sadness, I like to remember how nice it is without remembering that I lost someone special. (I went through this phase where I tried to divert my attention to something else each time I associated something to him.) I figured, since I memorize it anyhow I can sing along when I’m ready. Interesting fact: It belonged to one of my smart playlists in the iTunes library, Top 25 Most Played.
When I was finally able to eliminate the pain that was always attached to the sweet and priceless memories of Joey, I wasn’t so hard on myself with regards to being reminded of what had passed. I had to face it – I am left with just the memory of him and of Joey-and-me.
I still do not know if what I did was the best option – I did feel guilty each time I forced myself to shut off a memory I had of the times we spent getting to know each other. That’s basically what we did as our conversations were always filled with questions. When I would be reminded of those times I would say to myself the same thing as when Clockwatching would play, “I memorize it anyway.”
However when I listened to the song earlier and allowed the melody to make me feel the exact same way as I did when I listened to it back when he was alive – it was not bad at all. I sang along and was surprised I still remembered the lyrics. It got me thinking and not just of the past. I started imagining what it would be like if he was with us in that spot chilling out – would he even be able to chill out with me the way I do nowadays? Before it was in the form of a movie or eating Dairy Queen blizzard.
I snapped back to reality and told myself that I was being naive. Had he lived, would there be any way for me to end up in that same spot, listening to that song? But the reality is that unexpected moments of recalling special moments from my past and letting them enter my soul and filling me with bliss will happen. And when it occurs again, it’s only bound to get stronger but I feel like I can take nostalgia’s blows because I’ve mastered detachment but attachment was what I learned first.
