With change, it just keeps on going without signal or warning on what it might bring. It must go on and for persons; it could only be a hit or a miss. Hit: this is exactly what I needed and now I’ve just about figured out what to do next; Miss: where’s a good place to restart? 

Getting a hit makes it easier to move on while a problem lies in a miss before it could get to something. The question is always what that something is and whether it was a hit or a miss, it is hard to guess how things will turn out. Naturally, when only good things are happening left and right there is less room for doubt. But what if a bomb drops? There is a way back to restoration but that requires patience, constant energy, and of course, time. There is still some debris from the destruction that was caused. Some things may get lost and never be found which makes moving on somewhat challenging. 

Perhaps the hope lies in remembering that the worst part is over and that should be enough to get back up and rearrange certain aspects of life in order to get back on track. It was something while it was happening and now that it is over, the nothing-ness of that event should not ever find its way back to life. 

How is it possible for me to experience the joy and wonder in the things I do, places I visit or people I meet but do not have time to write it down and describe how each experience went. I do find awe in the oddest sorts of things yet I take my time soaking myself up in whatever that is and being content with the memory of it even if I have not figured out the words to describe it. I know I have the words to describe it but I don’t search for them. Instead I move on to the next stimulus and the next, and the next. 

“All men have stars.” (The Little Prince)

I’ve been thinking, do I know what mine is?

View of taal lake

During the last couple of weeks I’ve been out of school, while most people went on vacations with friends I went on my own and got used to my alone-ness. To be honest I wasn’t completely by myself, I went with my mother and her friends but I halved the time I spent with and without them.

I liked the scenery most because it’s definitely different from what I’m used to. Being able to stare into a body of water is really something. Having spent most of the weekend looking at that view made me think of how it’s the same as thinking of the future. Asking what lies beneath all that water is the same as wondering what could be in a time different from now. Then after a few moments of looking into the vast unknown, I’m back in my seat. Perhaps the only way to know or find out is to get moving until my feet have reached the water and hopefully be able to stand in its depth.

Throughout the trip, I found myself repeating the phrase Slowly but surely, with a weird accent kind of like something one would hear from an old wise person from a mystical movie. It has become a habit and I think I picked it up from the weekend because I was struck by worry or fear each time I thought about the future. I know that some changes have to be made when a certain time comes and even though I know it is still to early to prepare for that, imagining how that will be like is inevitable. The fun part is thinking about the plans I have for the coming months and with so many things on my mind I get anxious, excited and nervous at the same time. Luckily the peace and quiet made me calm down and by the end of all the worry, excitement, curiosity and impatience, I repeated the statement which I originally heard from my gay science teacher back when I was a freshman in high school. And he got that phrase because it was being used by a shampoo commercial at that time.

Tomorrow marks the last semester of my life and I have never been more patient to see how it will be like.

Good night

It is hard to come up with a feeling that compares to how it is like opening a snappy velveteen box with something inside that sparkles, shines or dangles. Any kind of jewelry represents how much a woman is of such high value. Not to mention the inevitable association of receiving jewelry to the adjectives like special, priceless, royal, precious and whatnot. Suffice it to say that jewelry has a way of melting a woman’s heart.

And how could it not? Even if it is the simplest of pearls for as long as its made out of genuine gold or silver, it represents something of special or high quality. They can be worn on regular, business, and formal occasions. Pearls have a way of adding light to the cheeks.

Jewelry adds charm. Take a silver bracelet and imagine how it attracts so much attention while it rests on a woman’s wrist. Whenever she strokes her hair the silver on her wrist will be able to flash enough light to cause one to look and admire her dainty and lady like gestures.

Elegance usually accompanies jewelry. A simple necklace rests in the perfect location between a woman’s neck and chest. If it has just the right length, it adds elegance because it is nice to see how something so thin and fine can make a neck look like such a remarkable body part. Imagine how it is possible for a simple golden chain could add enough to make the neck look that way.

The best feature of jewelry is that it lasts. Even after three years, it can manage to look as good as the first moment it was laid eyes on. For any piece of jewelry “wear and tear” does not exist. Diamonds are indestructible. Gold and silver are precious metals which have luster. And because jewelry is too sophisticated to belong to trends, it can be worn forever. Jewelry is timeless.

I believe that it is the best gift for a woman and I guarantee this 99% (because the one percent will be given to taste – that’s the tricky part).

Bombay Bicycle club is a band from London, apparently. And as far as I’m concerned I am glad to have discovered them tonight.

A definition is, according to http://dictionary.reference.com :

1.

to state or set forth the meaning of (a word, phrase, etc.)”

2.

to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of; describe

3.

to fix or lay down definitely; specify distinctly

4.

to determine or fix the boundaries or extent of.

5.

to make clear the outline or form of.

the basic, real, and invariable nature of a thing or its significant individual feature or features

Basic, real, invariable, nature, individual.

I like to stare.

As I was staring at the moon tonight, I figured that it would be nice to be able to do the same thing with the sun. During the sunset this becomes possible but what about during noon? The answer, of course, is because it is just too bright. During noon is when the sun is almost in front of the earth and even with sunglasses, it gets tiring to stare. The moon may be huge but the only way it is seen on earth is through sunlight which is why I was reminded once more of how I am an incredibly small spec in this universe. A sigh of relief followed soon after because there seems to be hope after all. I think that what I have to do is find a way to be bigger than the sun, and then I’ll be able to look right at it for as long as I want.

I think it was because I thought that the favorite color thing was just a phase – something I grow out of. I did not know back then that what I really felt for pink was true love and I was denying it while it was there for me.

Why is this story relevant?

Because I think I want to sign up for a 9gag account. It is there for me and I’m sure I love it. It has slowly become a part of the Chrome family anyway so I might as well legitimize it by signing up. I might be able to make someone laugh the way I do whenever I go on it. I wonder what’s been stopping me for so long? I wouldn’t want to put myself through the same kind of pain the way I did with pink, would I?

Bitches ain’t me.

“There’s beauty in the breakdown,”

and I admit, I found that to be a little too dramatic at one point in my life but that’s because I had not experienced October 4 2011 until today.

What makes today special is how I had not gotten any sleep since 11:30am yesterday, October 3. (I may have exaggerated I actually dozed off for two minutes in class)  The sad part of it all is that I was not up all night working on my thesis, which has been eating up so much of my time lately, I was up all night thinking. And the question “what did you think about,” is not the right one to ask but rather “what did you not think about?”

All sorts of thoughts ran through my head and that’s what usually happens every night but for some reason my brain just had to share what was going on in there with the rest of my organs. I told myself twice that instead of thinking, I should listen to my breathing (something I learned from yoga) and it took me seconds to forget to focus on the sound of my lungs taking in oxygen and so I reverted to my worries, concerns, and random questions and realizations which included stuff like, “how does it feel to punch someone in the face and miss,” “would I rather be a shark or a dolphin,” or “what is it like to have a tomboy for a bestfriend?” Each and every thought, I entertained even though they seemed too stupid to happen.

But that only took up the first 6 hours of October 4. I got up to smell the coffee and watched TV. I ended up watching a documentary film about Justin Bieber. That and a re-run of Keeping up with the Kardashians were my choices. I decided to give the kid a chance. Do I think he’s gay? Nahh. He’s still young. I’m hoping that he’ll give up the cheesy lyrics and make them more testosterone oriented before he turns 21 or around that time.

Between eight-thirty and nine o clock was when disaster struck. I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep but I was just so upset when someone got all up in my face acting like it’s so wrong to not get any sleep. It’s called insomnia, bitch. And this where the lyric which mentioned earlier makes sense. I broke down and told that person  everything I needed to say but because I was running on nothing but caffeine, I may have raised my voice and cussed a little bit and then cussed some more. It was not beautiful at all.

However, I did make up for it. Another person may have gotten on my nerves while all of that was happening but we were not face-to-face (thank goodness). Luckily, there’s the truth so I did not have to do any verbal damage. I realized that even though it would be a relief to tell a person exactly what I’m thinking, it is more important to stick to the truth. Was it easy? Absolutely not but looking back at my morning I now see that if there was any beauty in my breakdown, it came out in the way I handled the second situation. Instead of being a bitch all over again I was human.

I believe that anything that happens can be good for something and breakdowns are one of those. Breakdowns are for reminding people that having control over the mind, body and spirit is the key to staying sane. So, when the body and mind (which are usually the first to be affected) begin to unhinge then it is up to the spirit to get that shit together. Once I snapped back to reality – my reality – I was alleviated from the horror of not being completely in control.

Going about my day was still tough, of course. The world is not the same when you’re awake for too long. I got by because the song that was stuck in my head became my anthem. I realized how its lyrics were fitting for today’s stress. Before I knew it I was laughing again and thinking about how Justin Bieber helped keep me sane for an hour or so.

This is the song that I sang to myself. I think I closed my eyes each time the chorus played and sang my heart out when I was alone in my room:

It started with this song by Jason Mraz, “Clockwatching.” 

It played on Teddy’s iPod while we were at our daydream zone. It is one of the spots we visit when we feel like detaching – a secluded parking area that is not even paved yet and is rich in flora. While I listened, a very familiar feeling came over me. Something I have not felt for God knows how long. Four years worth of thoughts bitchslapped my heart. My best friend, Joey, and I would send each other nice songs and this was one of those songs which we both liked. This was back in 2007 and the same year he passed. Needless to say so very much has happened since that time.  It was around this time four years ago when it was one of my favorite songs.

During the time when I was trying to get over such a sudden passing, I decided to remove the song from my playlist – it’s a beautiful song and while some people appreciate sadness, I like to remember how nice it is without remembering that I lost someone special. (I went through this phase where I tried to divert my attention to something else each time I associated something to him.) I figured, since I memorize it anyhow I can sing along when I’m ready. Interesting fact: It belonged to one of my smart playlists in the iTunes library, Top 25 Most Played.

When I was finally able to eliminate the pain that was always attached to the sweet and priceless memories of Joey, I wasn’t so hard on myself with regards to being reminded of what had passed. I had to face it – I am left with just the memory of him and of Joey-and-me.

I still do not know if what I did was the best option – I did feel guilty each time I forced myself to shut off a memory I had of the times we spent getting to know each other. That’s basically what we did as our conversations were always filled with questions. When I would be reminded of those times I would say to myself the same thing as when Clockwatching would play, “I memorize it anyway.”

However when I listened to the song earlier and allowed the melody to make me feel the exact same way as I did when I listened to it back when he was alive – it was not bad at all. I sang along and was surprised I still remembered the lyrics. It got me thinking and not just of the past. I started imagining what it would be like if he was with us in that spot chilling out – would he even be able to chill out with me the way I do nowadays? Before it was in the form of a movie or eating Dairy Queen blizzard.

I snapped back to reality and told myself that I was being naive. Had he lived, would there be any way for me to end up in that same spot, listening to that song? But the reality is that unexpected moments of recalling special moments from my past and letting them enter my soul and filling me with bliss will happen. And when it occurs again, it’s only bound to get stronger but I feel like I can take nostalgia’s blows because I’ve mastered detachment but attachment was what I learned first.